Conflicted.

I am wanted, or I am not.
He wants me, or he doesn't. Most likely he doesn't.
And that is okay. Is that okay?
I have told myself numerous times that it is okay if people don't want to be with me/sleep with me/spend time with me/be friends with me.
The ultimate question, that we females avoid all the time, is what happens if he has slept with you, and wants to sleep with you no more? Does it get awkward? Or are we beyond being hurt by people who do not want to sleep with us like we always say?
Is the female supremacy achieved that next level? Or do we continue on feeling used if someone we have slept with loses interest? Do we go on pretending that we never cared in the first place? Or is there that brave person out there who will just say it?
      I HAVE BEEN HURT MOTHERFUCKER
I don't think so.
The feminist movement makes me own up to things that will empower me, not the things I really feel.
I don't necessarily want to shun him for this either. I was the person who agreed to this in the first place. So just the fact that I changed my mind means he is responsible for how things turned out and I got hurt? I don't think so.
I am having trouble placing the blame.
If there is no person to blame, does there mean there is no blame?
No one to legitimately curse at when you are crying in your room?
Or are the tears just a way to get over your feelings, which you don't know where to place?
Acting all tough is good and all, but I don't want to shelf away my feelings. I don't want to hide them somewhere where they can be hid either.
Kacan kovalanir, which is true. We have seen this happen too many times. But does that mean we have to run, even if we don't want to?
We are ready, to be vulnerable, to want things to happen, with our arms and hearts open. Is that a weakness? Should we modify our behavior, along with our feelings, according to the game? Must the game be a thing? Should I really compete with Swebb? (I don't want to).
I feel exhausted.
This is not the Breakfast Club.
The way I convey who I am and the way I really am do not necessarily match up.
I have been hurt motherfucker.
Come out and help me. Please.



Okay I just talked to Luba.
She advised me to concentrate on something material, not love related, for the weekend. I think I can do that.
I am just really exhausted. I cannot deal with Swebb. I feel like he has wanted this for a long time. So has she. Just let them have it. I can't deal with the effort of stopping it anyways.
I need to withdraw. Yes. That is what I need to do. If only it were as done as easily as she said...