Pre-Departure 1

We are at the pre-departure. How do I feel right now? 

I have been wishing that I didn't have to go this entire morning. I am intimidated of seeing him, but in a very different way this time. I know it is important for me to go. This might even be the thing I usually feel when it is something I want to do, but it takes too much effort, so i want to do it less immediately before..

Okay. It is time to realize that this is a huge reward for myself. I have been working too much, obsessing over too many things. I should not let my concerns get in the way of what this actually is: a vacation!

I will have 2 weeks left in this country when I come back, and I won't be here for 3 days of it. That will be a good opportunity for me to distance myself from him and allow for an opportunity to present itself to them as well. 

Once all the cards are on the table, and I come back after a break from English, I will know more. (Hopefully).

Thanks

I am thankful for Quad and all the people in it who love me unconditionally. 

I am thankful to have found a place I can call home that is so far away from home. 

I am thankful that I can be so happy despite being so miserable sometimes.

That is all. 

The Catch in Wisconsin

I have been ignoring one important problem for too long. And it is approaching like an iceberg to Titanic.
Of course, I mean the whole, I don't want to have sex with you, because my feelings toward you have changed, but I am too much of a wuss to say anything, so I am going to have to do it thing is against everything I believe in.
I would advise any friend who came to me with this problem to just not do it if they don't want to. Not so easy though.

This puts the cunnilingus problem to shame.

I don't even know if I'll feel like this when I get there. But just talking about it over text is giving me waves of repulsion.
This is just so unfair to both him and me in varying degrees.

I sometimes sense that he knows. But I can't blame him for trying to fix it.
I can though blame him for acting so evasively and cautiously throughout the time we were talking. I don't know if it is Ochoa who convinced me that he was at fault, or it is me thinking that he is at fault.
             Is finding fault ultimately a subjective standard?

Well, all things aside, the problem does not go away when I come back either. I put myself into this situation, I have to take myself out of it.

A better place

I am feeling better today.

Yes, it happened again. And I am glad. Not in a closure way, but I think I figured some things out.

First of all, it was much better this time. I need to stop trying to make everything be so serious. There is no reason why this shouldn't be relaxed, and fun for me. And for him too. 

There is no reason for me to get into his stuff with other people, or compare myself to others. Because honestly it is out of my powers. There are some things that I simply cannot help. I think I have come to terms with this. 

And I want to get to know him better. I don't think I know anything real about him. This is the way that I can stop pretending, and see where my real feelings get me. 

This is doable. Or so I think right now. 

Lightbulb moment

I think I figured it out. I don't know if I figured *it* out, but I figured something out.

I am in a craving to care about someone. It could be plural or singular, but I am not content just being bleh about everyone. 

My mind craves confusion and obsession.

So I manufacture connections and interests and loves. I hang onto them as if for my dear life. 

And then I feel sad and moody and disappointed when the other person doesn't care as much.

Or I spend all my resources to keep the interest alive, and real, when the other person does care as much (or more).

It slips me that my caring was not authentic in the first place. I don't even know if that is important. 

I am a fake. 

I don't know what feeling to trust anymore. 

Maybe I just like feeling sad. That's fucked up.

The next day.

The title of this blog post is 'how do I manage to fuck up everything?'.
I am in the world's smallest fishtank.
The only tool I have is to get drunk. So I can get away from the voices in my head. But when I do get drunk, the voices in my head turn into actions. And sober me has to deal with the consequences.
New strategy is 'fake it till you make it'. I don't know if it actually works. It has also occurred to me that this could be a negative feedback mechanism to my self-exacerbating problem.
You can understand that I am no longer drunk from my use of more complex words and phrases.
I am diligently building this image of myself, full of paradoxes, and then getting upset at myself for hiding behind it. I don't even know if I can get away from it now. I think this is my thing in Quad from now on. It doesn't really matter if I abstain from drinking, or if I say I will and not.
Pretending to not care does not actually work. If you don't care, you don't have to pretend. That is the whole point.
There is just so much self-disappointment in this story..

Follow up

Just send him the e-mail. Just do it. You are fucking friends. This is what fucking friends do.
Don't seem so desperate though. You have done it before. How did it work out for you? Not so great, now did it?
Be cool should be your motto.
Be chill. Be friends with him. He's cool, right? You want to go back to that awesome place where you don't even clearly remember him, right? Yeah it is within your power to go back there. Just post how you feel here whenever you feel it.
The feminist movement is no bullshit. You CAN do things. You just gotta focus and really want to do it.

Conflicted.

I am wanted, or I am not.
He wants me, or he doesn't. Most likely he doesn't.
And that is okay. Is that okay?
I have told myself numerous times that it is okay if people don't want to be with me/sleep with me/spend time with me/be friends with me.
The ultimate question, that we females avoid all the time, is what happens if he has slept with you, and wants to sleep with you no more? Does it get awkward? Or are we beyond being hurt by people who do not want to sleep with us like we always say?
Is the female supremacy achieved that next level? Or do we continue on feeling used if someone we have slept with loses interest? Do we go on pretending that we never cared in the first place? Or is there that brave person out there who will just say it?
      I HAVE BEEN HURT MOTHERFUCKER
I don't think so.
The feminist movement makes me own up to things that will empower me, not the things I really feel.
I don't necessarily want to shun him for this either. I was the person who agreed to this in the first place. So just the fact that I changed my mind means he is responsible for how things turned out and I got hurt? I don't think so.
I am having trouble placing the blame.
If there is no person to blame, does there mean there is no blame?
No one to legitimately curse at when you are crying in your room?
Or are the tears just a way to get over your feelings, which you don't know where to place?
Acting all tough is good and all, but I don't want to shelf away my feelings. I don't want to hide them somewhere where they can be hid either.
Kacan kovalanir, which is true. We have seen this happen too many times. But does that mean we have to run, even if we don't want to?
We are ready, to be vulnerable, to want things to happen, with our arms and hearts open. Is that a weakness? Should we modify our behavior, along with our feelings, according to the game? Must the game be a thing? Should I really compete with Swebb? (I don't want to).
I feel exhausted.
This is not the Breakfast Club.
The way I convey who I am and the way I really am do not necessarily match up.
I have been hurt motherfucker.
Come out and help me. Please.



Okay I just talked to Luba.
She advised me to concentrate on something material, not love related, for the weekend. I think I can do that.
I am just really exhausted. I cannot deal with Swebb. I feel like he has wanted this for a long time. So has she. Just let them have it. I can't deal with the effort of stopping it anyways.
I need to withdraw. Yes. That is what I need to do. If only it were as done as easily as she said...