Which is convenient, since the more time I spend here, the more knee deep in shit I get.
I don't know if it's B being a dick, Swebb being a bitch, Elfster being a sick bastard, or destiny being an asshole.
I also need to answer texts from A. He wants to be in a relationship with me. He said he would be willing to move to the East Coast within months. It felt like he was drowning me with commitment. I was thinking about potentially marrying someone mere months ago [why does it feel like it has been this short?]. I can't commit to someone moving miles away for me, again. Even though he will tell me its not for me, I don't believe him.
I do believe that he needs to do something for himself. I'm just not sure I am the thing that he needs to hold on to right now. There are several reasons for this:
- I am too prevalent to turn him into a project. That would be bad because it makes me overlook how I really feel about the relationship and creates an artificial incentive for me to stay in the relationship. This makes it all the more bad when I do want to get out of the relationship, since one I feel like I am betraying that person, leaving him middle way, and second they become completely dependent on me and can't function alone.
- I don't even know where I am going, who I am, what I am comfortable with.
- I don't think I am able to actually commit to him right now, especially while he is so far away.
I think I am mostly freaked out about getting into such a serious long-term relationship again so soon after Alber with someone I don't feel as strongly about. It's as simple as that.
Now, how to convey that to him, I don't know.
B was a complete dick this weekend. Like, it was so bad, I thought I couldn't breath through his assholery. He told Swebb about me and him. Even though we said we wouldn't tell people. And then he does his dry apology, like he is apologizing for the cholo thing, like he doesn't get why you are upset, but he will apologize just to avoid confrontation. The worst kind of apologizing.
Could you make me feel even more like a substitute who stopped mattering once you finally got into bed with Swebb?
The point is, I don't care what you do on your own 'private time', but this was not something you could just blurt out in the middle of pillow talk,
Anna agrees: If you hooked up with one person, and plan to hook up with another person, and those two people are friends, before you tell the second person about hooking up with the first person, you should let the first person know. - now this was probably complicated, but you know what I mean.
After that, of course, awkward Swebb strikes.
She gives me permission to sleep with B, complains to me for minute about her aching thighs because B's hips are wider than hers. Says she feels sad that she doesn't know about my personal life. And all I want to say is:
SHUT THE FUCK UP BITCH.
I seriously don't need to hear this. You can keep your permission and sex stories to yourself. If I didn't come to you and talk to you about sleeping with B, you don't get to talk to me about it. It's that simple. Stop making yourself feel better by making me feel like an unimportant lay.
Also, you think you would be okay with it if I did sleep with him and told you about it? I seriously doubt it.
But just this conversation kinda made me want to do it just to spite you.
Then the slideshow thing happened, where I had a meltdown because Blair told me he put me and A in the couples section. I seriously lost it. It was horrible. - Why am I reacting this strongly? I am usually not this sensitive about things like this. I need some time off.
And then today (when will it be over). Secret Santa, we are opening gifts. B opens first, its a cake, its from Henry. He says thanks and eats it.
Second, its me. Its a very large box. I unwrap it, its a cheetos box. I am like fuck, I hate cheetos. I unwrap it further, there are 5 CapriSun boxes in it. I know by now that its B. Fucking IMs. 4 of them are empty, which gets me more and more pissed off since I know its him, and if he is playing a prank on me, I can't handle it right now.
But no, the last one is not empty. There is more wrapping in it, and inside there are CDs by Juanes and the CD for the soundtrack of Amelie. I am speechless, my face is really red. I feel really embarrassed and emotional. [I am also high].
I turn to him, whisper 'thank you'. He smiles, nods his head. That's it.
I continue to think that this is the grand gesture. [Comment from the future: IT'S NOT!] He deserves something good for it. I honestly feel like kissing him in front of everyone in the room. But I don't, I save it for later. [Don't do it you idiot].
Several other people have the box-within box-within box. I wonder if this is something they came up altogether. Maybe. Does it matter?
Swebb shows up, there are jokes about Swebb and B playing beirut. I have to go to a meeting. I avoid them both. When I come back, they are playing beirut. I take a guest shot. I still can't look him in the eyes. It's awful. She ignores me, she is annoyed with me. Why?
They leave. I want to see him. I can't. Maybe tomorrow.
Fine, you proved that you do know me. Congratulations. Now I'm more fucked up than I have been the last 3 days. Fuck I gotta go back.
No comments:
Post a Comment