Munich thoughts

Diffusion of responsibility.
Diffusion of interest.
Not only do I not feel particularly close with any of them, I feel overwhelmed, and I feel lonely.
There is a fine line, apparently, between feeling wanted and feeling objectified. Inconsequential.
Maybe one reason for this is that I get closer to a new guy each time I get drunk/high/intoxicated/inebriated. Probably because I get very flirtatious when I am not fully cognizant.
But the next day, without question, I end up feeling embarrassed. I get mad at myself, for doing things I won't be comfortable with later. I don't like not knowing what I did, what I said, what impression I left in people's minds.
   [do they think I am a whore yet?]
Fuck I hate myself for thinking like this.
Because it could be him who is touching you, trying to kiss you, making sexual advances. But you know what, you instigated it. YOU LED HIM ON. You are flirting heavily and he is responding positively. That is all.
Well what are you supposed to say now? What is there to say? No? I didn't mean to flirt with him? I see him as a friend?
Well, you are a gigantic dick tease then. And you are a slutty drunk. And he probably will treat you like an ass tomorrow, and people will agree with him.

Not that this happened this time. But it is highly likely. He is very nice, very gentlemanly  I am pretty sure he likes me a lot. But it kinda threw me off when he wanted to get closer. Is it because I have too many men in my life right now? Is it because I legitimately see him as a friend? (the distinction of legitimately: I am really not friendzoning him. I think he is very cute and smart and amazing. I just really enjoy being friends with him, the thing we have as a group is pretty spectacular). And also I fuck up everything I get involved in right now. This is not one I want to add to that list.

I am just worried I won't be able to get comfortably inebriated around any guy [with the exception of Ferg and Dom, of course]. Or maybe its not really being comfortable, but that ghost I have been thinking about so much recently. I don't know. Beijun says I'm depressed, maybe she's right.
Oh by the way, I hope she is okay. I am sending my love towards her way.
It's time for some time away. For all of us.
But from the words of Matt Floyd:

"As I leave the campus for the last time in 2013 I think
This time that dubious glee, worn and weary,
I doubt will come upon me as I travel back to a domain
Where the pillow and tattered walls
Are a home to my terrain
Where I could escape, tell those who'd seen me fall
I would survive,
To beat the system at their game
But when the mask that funnels the heart of apathy is
torn aside,
Those who make a person thrive, they do appear:
My home is Princeton University,
No longer my enemy but my companion,
Because of you, it became this way,
You who see me as I am and make me want to stay,
You who I can call friend,
Each and every day."

Playful poetry aside, this is the first semester at Princeton that I am truly sad to say goodbye to and the first semester since I've come here that I will wholly remember as a gift. To Ferg d'Ferg, Dom Cioppa, Anna Lukas, Jess Patton, Melike Tokatlıoğlu, Peleke Sengstacke,and everyone at the Princeton Quadrangle Club, thank you and bless you.

A merry Christmas and a happy new year to all… and to all a good night. Adieu