This post will be one about sex.

Because it has been an hour since I went to bed, and I can't sleep.
Because my pee is Princeton orange right now.
Because the lady told me to take 5 days of 'pelvic rest' today.
Because I don't know if I want to get my period immediately if not sooner, or not get it until next friday to not ruin my possibility of sex before I leave Princeton.

Today Anna and I were talking about how she has excessive self-control, and since my breakup with Alber, I have close to none. This has been a problem for a long time. You know, choosing to do the fun thing, like play beirut or watch a tv show instead of work, the usual. But as I was talking to her I remembered that this applies, in a huge way, to my sexual conduct as well.
I would hate to be a person who cheats, or who finds lame excuses to justify wrong behavior, or a person who just can't say no. So, Ochoa's description of Swebb. (since she is my new moral compass this fits in nicely.)
But I have displayed close to all of these behaviors in the past month. And what do we attribute that to?
1. I am a bad person.
2. I am a morally corrupt person.
3. I was abnormally attracted to the individuals in question, or cared about their feelings too much.
4. I am just a person who cannot control herself.
I am attributing my behavior to 4, and attribute that to my relationship with Alber (as I do with most other things). Here is my justification:
During my time with Alber he confined me so much, and I confined myself so much (some out of fear, some out of morals, some out of love), that when we finally broke up everything went loose. And of course, Quad was the perfect environment for that to happen. So shit.
And now, I can't turn it off.

I keep saying that I need some time off men, and sex, and emotional and physical connections (refer to my previous posts). And as I was laying here, probably around t + 30 minutes, I said to myself that I would not have sex until I go to Istanbul, so for about a month. This would give me time to figure out my feelings for A, keep my urges toward B under control, and also give them the opportunity to figure out how they feel about me, and potentially other people. This is actually a great decision, the best one I have made in a long time.
Then why am I still thinking about opportunities of sex within the next week and a half? Are my decisions of principle like the alarm clock I set in the morning but secretly know that I won't wake up with? I am pretty sure it is not because I am soooo crazy about sex. The potential sex I would have here is not particularly exciting. Is it because I need to feel wanted? Is A's wanting me insufficient? Am I in a terrible subconscious pissing contest with Swebb? Or is the self-control thing kicking in in a novel and extremely dangerous way? -> Do I want things only because I have decided against them in my head?

This thought process is tiring, and it is keeping me up. It only shows up when I have the opportunity to think silently and alone for now. I need to go back to Turkey so badly I can't convey it. The fishtank is getting smaller. We are running out of oxygen.

PS: New information. B doesn't want a relationship. He told this to Swebb in an abrupt way. She felt rejected and mad. But not because she wants a relationship. So she sent B an e-mail correcting the misconception. B replied with although he doesn't want a relationship, he definitely wants to hook up with Swebb.
Reflections: I am not surprised that he doesn't want a relationship. I am surprised that he just awkwardly blurted it out. I am also not surprised that he wants to hook up with her. I just don't know how I feel about it. So nothing too shocking, but implications are unclear.
Hypotheticals: How do I feel about hooking up with him on a regular basis while I know that he is also hooking up with her on a regular basis? Will this be a principle thing I will ignore after I make the decision? How likely is it that after they start hooking up, he doesn't want to hook up with me anymore? How do I justify that without completely wrecking my self-esteem? How involved should I be/how much should I know about their relationship? How do I keep myself healthy?

Note to Self: Please, I know your urges are strong, but try to protect yourself from unnecessary rivalries and overvaluing people and urinary infections. You've been through all, and you know all are pretty shitty.