Sorting through things with Ochoa

This is all in jumbles. Most of this, Ochoa said. And I want to remember. So here it is..

and i tend to think that it can be useful to think about the origins or development of your attitudes/feelings, but in moving forward, what matters are the consequences.
because alternately, you could say, if the origin is daddy issues, then this action is fucked up ("i am broken and damaged and make terrible decisions") because its origin is fucked up. but i don't think that has to be true.

Yeah for example, if you cheat on your boyfriend and then tell yourself, 'i did it because i was drunk' or 'we had a fight' or 'he gave that one girl a pen once' or something more realistic but obviously lacking in moral justification, you refuse taking responsibility for your actions and just use these as an excuse to make yourself feel better.

But I don't know if that is because it absolved me from the responsibility or because it brought clarity
as an observer, i can say that. but i think that if i were in your position, i would feel the same as you do.
so idk that i can say "too harsh" or not, y'know?

*half-hearted lol

sentence #2: you should keep telling yourself that (as far as i can tell) you didn't do anything wrong.

i think it does matter exactly what was said during the "exclusive"/"bf/gf" discussions. i think it matters because regardless of how someone says they feel, at the end of the day, the only thing you have to go by (as far as right and wrong goes) is what was said. so e.g. : he liked thinking of us as in a relationship, but he never said that to me, those were not the facts on the ground, so that is not my problem to deal with. but i'm sure others would say otherwise. so, anyway: with you and A. if you asked him how he was meaning the words he was using, and you did not understand any actionable boundaries from his responses (for example, you can name different interpretations), then ... i think you're ethically in the clear. i mean, usually i would say that "boyfriend/girlfriend" is a pretty clear term, but in this case, i doubt even that, because i'm hardcore judging A for the bullshit he was pulling in your conversations. same goes for "exclusive." ... but if you remove yourself from how frustrated you were at the time and try to objectively think about what was said and what that meant for any boundaries, and you *do* find that there were some lines drawn, then yeah ... you may have crossed a line. as for "objectively," i mean like: e.g. unfortunately, it may not matter that you *felt* like you were forcing him into something he didnt want to be in, so then you acted kinda on the assumption that he wouldn't care / didn't have a say. unless you can point to something that was said, it's hard to make people understand and it may even be hard to convince yourself. ... as for what you should do now, i have zero idea where you and KL stand right now, so ... yeah.
bad things are going to happen because non-religious people aren't nice and because you're going to make bad decisions and your life will end up terrible and you'll come crawling back to the religion when you've realized your mistake [Alber]

so the way i tried to look at it is: i better make damn well sure that doesn't happen. by thinking about this toxic shit now, i'm figuring out what i can purge and how i can make a better life for myself in the future because i have some core principles and purpose -- better than i would've ever had a chance to before
Like, if I dress in a certain way, and I get abusedThat happened to me over the summer, it was more traumatic than I expected
Or this casual sleeping with B, if it makes me feel super sad, I might start thinking he is right
Its hard to separate things when they are really deep down in there
And so even if I can't help stuff like this that happen out of my control, changing my perspective on them. Like, its not you being slutty, its him being an asshole
so yeah i was going to say, that scared me for a while. but now it doesn't bother me so much anymore, because i tell myself that i know better. for example: what a fucking mess nintendo made my life. this would've never happened (or so a voice in my head might say) if i had stayed chaste and not slept with or hooked up with people outside of marriage/a relationship/whatever, because this sadness/regret/etc is what happens when you try to do take sex out of its proper place. but! (the voice that knows better says) this outcome was not because there is something inherently wrong with sleeping with someone who isn't your husband. it's because nintendo happened to be immature / kind of a dick. this shitty outcome is not inevitable -- not every guy is immature / a dick. [listen to this guy]