Munich thoughts

Diffusion of responsibility.
Diffusion of interest.
Not only do I not feel particularly close with any of them, I feel overwhelmed, and I feel lonely.
There is a fine line, apparently, between feeling wanted and feeling objectified. Inconsequential.
Maybe one reason for this is that I get closer to a new guy each time I get drunk/high/intoxicated/inebriated. Probably because I get very flirtatious when I am not fully cognizant.
But the next day, without question, I end up feeling embarrassed. I get mad at myself, for doing things I won't be comfortable with later. I don't like not knowing what I did, what I said, what impression I left in people's minds.
   [do they think I am a whore yet?]
Fuck I hate myself for thinking like this.
Because it could be him who is touching you, trying to kiss you, making sexual advances. But you know what, you instigated it. YOU LED HIM ON. You are flirting heavily and he is responding positively. That is all.
Well what are you supposed to say now? What is there to say? No? I didn't mean to flirt with him? I see him as a friend?
Well, you are a gigantic dick tease then. And you are a slutty drunk. And he probably will treat you like an ass tomorrow, and people will agree with him.

Not that this happened this time. But it is highly likely. He is very nice, very gentlemanly  I am pretty sure he likes me a lot. But it kinda threw me off when he wanted to get closer. Is it because I have too many men in my life right now? Is it because I legitimately see him as a friend? (the distinction of legitimately: I am really not friendzoning him. I think he is very cute and smart and amazing. I just really enjoy being friends with him, the thing we have as a group is pretty spectacular). And also I fuck up everything I get involved in right now. This is not one I want to add to that list.

I am just worried I won't be able to get comfortably inebriated around any guy [with the exception of Ferg and Dom, of course]. Or maybe its not really being comfortable, but that ghost I have been thinking about so much recently. I don't know. Beijun says I'm depressed, maybe she's right.
Oh by the way, I hope she is okay. I am sending my love towards her way.
It's time for some time away. For all of us.
But from the words of Matt Floyd:

"As I leave the campus for the last time in 2013 I think
This time that dubious glee, worn and weary,
I doubt will come upon me as I travel back to a domain
Where the pillow and tattered walls
Are a home to my terrain
Where I could escape, tell those who'd seen me fall
I would survive,
To beat the system at their game
But when the mask that funnels the heart of apathy is
torn aside,
Those who make a person thrive, they do appear:
My home is Princeton University,
No longer my enemy but my companion,
Because of you, it became this way,
You who see me as I am and make me want to stay,
You who I can call friend,
Each and every day."

Playful poetry aside, this is the first semester at Princeton that I am truly sad to say goodbye to and the first semester since I've come here that I will wholly remember as a gift. To Ferg d'Ferg, Dom Cioppa, Anna Lukas, Jess Patton, Melike Tokatlıoğlu, Peleke Sengstacke,and everyone at the Princeton Quadrangle Club, thank you and bless you.

A merry Christmas and a happy new year to all… and to all a good night. Adieu

Why is everything a bitch to me?

Since I will go to bed soon, technically, the plan is, I am going back to Turkey in less than 2 days.

Which is convenient, since the more time I spend here, the more knee deep in shit I get.

I don't know if it's B being a dick, Swebb being a bitch, Elfster being a sick bastard, or destiny being an asshole.

I also need to answer texts from A. He wants to be in a relationship with me. He said he would be willing to move to the East Coast within months. It felt like he was drowning me with commitment. I was thinking about potentially marrying someone mere months ago [why does it feel like it has been this short?]. I can't commit to someone moving miles away for me, again. Even though he will tell me its not for me, I don't believe him.

       I do believe that he needs to do something for himself. I'm just not sure I am the thing that he needs to hold on to right now. There are several reasons for this:

- I am too prevalent to turn him into a project. That would be bad because it makes me overlook how I really feel about the relationship and creates an artificial incentive for me to stay in the relationship. This makes it all the more bad when I do want to get out of the relationship, since one I feel like I am betraying that person, leaving him middle way, and second they become completely dependent on me and can't function alone.

- I don't even know where I am going, who I am, what I am comfortable with.

- I don't think I am able to actually commit to him right now, especially while he is so far away.

I think I am mostly freaked out about getting into such a serious long-term relationship again so soon after Alber with someone I don't feel as strongly about. It's as simple as that.

Now, how to convey that to him, I don't know.

B was a complete dick this weekend. Like, it was so bad, I thought I couldn't breath through his assholery. He told Swebb about me and him. Even though we said we wouldn't tell people. And then he does his dry apology, like he is apologizing for the cholo thing, like he doesn't get why you are upset, but he will apologize just to avoid confrontation. The worst kind of apologizing. 

     Could you make me feel even more like a substitute who stopped mattering once you finally got into bed with Swebb?

The point is, I don't care what you do on your own 'private time', but this was not something you could just blurt out in the middle of pillow talk,

Anna agrees: If you hooked up with one person, and plan to hook up with another person, and those two people are friends, before you tell the second person about hooking up with the first person, you should let the first person know. - now this was probably complicated, but you know what I mean.

After that, of course, awkward Swebb strikes. 

She gives me permission to sleep with B, complains to me for minute about her aching thighs because B's hips are wider than hers. Says she feels sad that she doesn't know about my personal life. And all I want to say is:

SHUT THE FUCK UP BITCH.

I seriously don't need to hear this. You can keep your permission and sex stories to yourself. If I didn't come to you and talk to you about sleeping with B, you don't get to talk to me about it. It's that simple. Stop making yourself feel better by making me feel like an unimportant lay. 

Also, you think you would be okay with it if I did sleep with him and told you about it? I seriously doubt it. 

But just this conversation kinda made me want to do it just to spite you.

Then the slideshow thing happened, where I had a meltdown because Blair told me he put me and A in the couples section. I seriously lost it. It was horrible. - Why am I reacting this strongly? I am usually not this sensitive about things like this. I need some time off.

And then today (when will it be over). Secret Santa, we are opening gifts. B opens first, its a cake, its from Henry. He says thanks and eats it.

Second, its me. Its a very large box. I unwrap it, its a cheetos box. I am like fuck, I hate cheetos. I unwrap it further, there are 5 CapriSun boxes in it. I know by now that its B. Fucking IMs. 4 of them are empty, which gets me more and more pissed off since I know its him, and if he is playing a prank on me, I can't handle it right now.

But no, the last one is not empty. There is more wrapping in it, and inside there are CDs by Juanes and the CD for the soundtrack of Amelie. I am speechless, my face is really red. I feel really embarrassed and emotional. [I am also high]. 

I turn to him, whisper 'thank you'. He smiles, nods his head. That's it. 

I continue to think that this is the grand gesture. [Comment from the future: IT'S NOT!] He deserves something good for it. I honestly feel like kissing him in front of everyone in the room. But I don't, I save it for later. [Don't do it you idiot].

Several other people have the box-within box-within box. I wonder if this is something they came up altogether. Maybe. Does it matter?

Swebb shows up, there are jokes about Swebb and B playing beirut. I have to go to a meeting. I avoid them both. When I come back, they are playing beirut. I take a guest shot. I still can't look him in the eyes. It's awful. She ignores me, she is annoyed with me. Why?

They leave. I want to see him. I can't. Maybe tomorrow.

Fine, you proved that you do know me. Congratulations. Now I'm more fucked up than I have been the last 3 days. Fuck I gotta go back.

The hookup culture has been one of the most controversial topics in recent years. I do not intend to take a position on it because everyone is entitled to either partake or refrain from this part of Princeton’s social scene. However, I have had several friends who actually despise themselves, not because they hooked up with other people and hated it, but because they could not be like everyone else and just enjoy it. Some people just don’t do well with transient interactions even when they force themselves to engage in them. Some people yearn for intimacy on a continual basis.

From "Jagged Little Pill" on the Daily Princetonian

unlearning problematic behavior is a long ass process

you will fuck up

handle it gracefully.

There are too many things to write about. I am overwhelmed.

Just to keep track of things: B telling Swebb, A and slideshow, A wants a relationship. Where the hell do I stand?

So bad.

I am feeling so bad I can't even write right now. Even though I desperately want to.
I can't sort through my feelings.
This was the most intense weekend I have been through in a long time.
Everything I do is coming around to bite me.
Everything I am excited about is blowing up in my face.
I hope I can collect my thoughts to write it out here soon.

Note to self

Never leave your cigarettes in a locked room. 

The Text

Oh, also, text: "Hey b, is everything okay?" "Hey Mel. Yes all is good with me. Sorry we havent' talked much I guess I've had a lot on my mind. FYI Swebb and I have spent time together in private [the most terrible way you can describe having sex]. This is very new kind of scenario for me. How are things with you?" "Oh everything is good with me too. The conference in going well. Good to know about you and Swebb. I was wondering more about the whole cholo crisis tonight on quadchat" "Yeah that was unexpected. I don't really understand why that was so offensive. I meant no offense with that so I have no problem apologizing but I don't see the insult. To me someone who identifies themselves as a cholo chooses to do this. Its the same to me as choosing to be in a gang or something else." "Hmm I learned what a cholo is today so I don't really know but I don't know if that argument is valid. I might find it offensive if someone dressed as a Muslim terrorist and came in with plastic guns, for instance. Even though that is also his choice." "I'll continue this tomorrow. Good night." [damn, harsh] "I mean I wasn't there and I'm not trying to pile on, I just wanted to hear your perspective. Hope things are fine. Good night."

Notes:
#1 - I really enjoyed shutting that one down. [Fake it till you make it]
#2 - This whole approach makes you the asshole
#3 - That was the harshest cut-off I have ever seen. Don't create arguments out of your ass and then act all offended when you are being proven wrong. Immature.
This whole thing amuses me.

Sorting through things with Ochoa

This is all in jumbles. Most of this, Ochoa said. And I want to remember. So here it is..

and i tend to think that it can be useful to think about the origins or development of your attitudes/feelings, but in moving forward, what matters are the consequences.
because alternately, you could say, if the origin is daddy issues, then this action is fucked up ("i am broken and damaged and make terrible decisions") because its origin is fucked up. but i don't think that has to be true.

Yeah for example, if you cheat on your boyfriend and then tell yourself, 'i did it because i was drunk' or 'we had a fight' or 'he gave that one girl a pen once' or something more realistic but obviously lacking in moral justification, you refuse taking responsibility for your actions and just use these as an excuse to make yourself feel better.

But I don't know if that is because it absolved me from the responsibility or because it brought clarity
as an observer, i can say that. but i think that if i were in your position, i would feel the same as you do.
so idk that i can say "too harsh" or not, y'know?

*half-hearted lol

sentence #2: you should keep telling yourself that (as far as i can tell) you didn't do anything wrong.

i think it does matter exactly what was said during the "exclusive"/"bf/gf" discussions. i think it matters because regardless of how someone says they feel, at the end of the day, the only thing you have to go by (as far as right and wrong goes) is what was said. so e.g. : he liked thinking of us as in a relationship, but he never said that to me, those were not the facts on the ground, so that is not my problem to deal with. but i'm sure others would say otherwise. so, anyway: with you and A. if you asked him how he was meaning the words he was using, and you did not understand any actionable boundaries from his responses (for example, you can name different interpretations), then ... i think you're ethically in the clear. i mean, usually i would say that "boyfriend/girlfriend" is a pretty clear term, but in this case, i doubt even that, because i'm hardcore judging A for the bullshit he was pulling in your conversations. same goes for "exclusive." ... but if you remove yourself from how frustrated you were at the time and try to objectively think about what was said and what that meant for any boundaries, and you *do* find that there were some lines drawn, then yeah ... you may have crossed a line. as for "objectively," i mean like: e.g. unfortunately, it may not matter that you *felt* like you were forcing him into something he didnt want to be in, so then you acted kinda on the assumption that he wouldn't care / didn't have a say. unless you can point to something that was said, it's hard to make people understand and it may even be hard to convince yourself. ... as for what you should do now, i have zero idea where you and KL stand right now, so ... yeah.
bad things are going to happen because non-religious people aren't nice and because you're going to make bad decisions and your life will end up terrible and you'll come crawling back to the religion when you've realized your mistake [Alber]

so the way i tried to look at it is: i better make damn well sure that doesn't happen. by thinking about this toxic shit now, i'm figuring out what i can purge and how i can make a better life for myself in the future because i have some core principles and purpose -- better than i would've ever had a chance to before
Like, if I dress in a certain way, and I get abusedThat happened to me over the summer, it was more traumatic than I expected
Or this casual sleeping with B, if it makes me feel super sad, I might start thinking he is right
Its hard to separate things when they are really deep down in there
And so even if I can't help stuff like this that happen out of my control, changing my perspective on them. Like, its not you being slutty, its him being an asshole
so yeah i was going to say, that scared me for a while. but now it doesn't bother me so much anymore, because i tell myself that i know better. for example: what a fucking mess nintendo made my life. this would've never happened (or so a voice in my head might say) if i had stayed chaste and not slept with or hooked up with people outside of marriage/a relationship/whatever, because this sadness/regret/etc is what happens when you try to do take sex out of its proper place. but! (the voice that knows better says) this outcome was not because there is something inherently wrong with sleeping with someone who isn't your husband. it's because nintendo happened to be immature / kind of a dick. this shitty outcome is not inevitable -- not every guy is immature / a dick. [listen to this guy]

Kendime not

Daha cok beyaz giymeliyim.

Sad.

I am at Quad at the moment.
It is December 5th, 2013, 12.57 PM.
I am going to go to class in 25 minutes.
I will be leaving for PMUNC at 5 PM today.

At this moment, I decided that being at Quad makes me sad. And depressed. I don't know if they are synonymous in this context but both sound right.

I don't really want to do anything but pout.
Oxygen. Running. Out.

This post will be one about sex.

Because it has been an hour since I went to bed, and I can't sleep.
Because my pee is Princeton orange right now.
Because the lady told me to take 5 days of 'pelvic rest' today.
Because I don't know if I want to get my period immediately if not sooner, or not get it until next friday to not ruin my possibility of sex before I leave Princeton.

Today Anna and I were talking about how she has excessive self-control, and since my breakup with Alber, I have close to none. This has been a problem for a long time. You know, choosing to do the fun thing, like play beirut or watch a tv show instead of work, the usual. But as I was talking to her I remembered that this applies, in a huge way, to my sexual conduct as well.
I would hate to be a person who cheats, or who finds lame excuses to justify wrong behavior, or a person who just can't say no. So, Ochoa's description of Swebb. (since she is my new moral compass this fits in nicely.)
But I have displayed close to all of these behaviors in the past month. And what do we attribute that to?
1. I am a bad person.
2. I am a morally corrupt person.
3. I was abnormally attracted to the individuals in question, or cared about their feelings too much.
4. I am just a person who cannot control herself.
I am attributing my behavior to 4, and attribute that to my relationship with Alber (as I do with most other things). Here is my justification:
During my time with Alber he confined me so much, and I confined myself so much (some out of fear, some out of morals, some out of love), that when we finally broke up everything went loose. And of course, Quad was the perfect environment for that to happen. So shit.
And now, I can't turn it off.

I keep saying that I need some time off men, and sex, and emotional and physical connections (refer to my previous posts). And as I was laying here, probably around t + 30 minutes, I said to myself that I would not have sex until I go to Istanbul, so for about a month. This would give me time to figure out my feelings for A, keep my urges toward B under control, and also give them the opportunity to figure out how they feel about me, and potentially other people. This is actually a great decision, the best one I have made in a long time.
Then why am I still thinking about opportunities of sex within the next week and a half? Are my decisions of principle like the alarm clock I set in the morning but secretly know that I won't wake up with? I am pretty sure it is not because I am soooo crazy about sex. The potential sex I would have here is not particularly exciting. Is it because I need to feel wanted? Is A's wanting me insufficient? Am I in a terrible subconscious pissing contest with Swebb? Or is the self-control thing kicking in in a novel and extremely dangerous way? -> Do I want things only because I have decided against them in my head?

This thought process is tiring, and it is keeping me up. It only shows up when I have the opportunity to think silently and alone for now. I need to go back to Turkey so badly I can't convey it. The fishtank is getting smaller. We are running out of oxygen.

PS: New information. B doesn't want a relationship. He told this to Swebb in an abrupt way. She felt rejected and mad. But not because she wants a relationship. So she sent B an e-mail correcting the misconception. B replied with although he doesn't want a relationship, he definitely wants to hook up with Swebb.
Reflections: I am not surprised that he doesn't want a relationship. I am surprised that he just awkwardly blurted it out. I am also not surprised that he wants to hook up with her. I just don't know how I feel about it. So nothing too shocking, but implications are unclear.
Hypotheticals: How do I feel about hooking up with him on a regular basis while I know that he is also hooking up with her on a regular basis? Will this be a principle thing I will ignore after I make the decision? How likely is it that after they start hooking up, he doesn't want to hook up with me anymore? How do I justify that without completely wrecking my self-esteem? How involved should I be/how much should I know about their relationship? How do I keep myself healthy?

Note to Self: Please, I know your urges are strong, but try to protect yourself from unnecessary rivalries and overvaluing people and urinary infections. You've been through all, and you know all are pretty shitty.

Post-Wisconsin thoughts

I am full of being conflicted right now. Like, you don't even know.
The entire week was amazing. I was being an idiot with my worries. Even though at first it was a little awkward, it got increasingly better.
The first night was hard. He refuses to share things with me, which is very difficult. He also brought up what he called 'suicidal thoughts', which immediately got me thinking. I need to find a balance between my urge to help and nurture and be there for him and my less dominant urge of self-protection. After Alber, I don't know if I am ready to take on such serious problems.
Although I don't even know if he does have serious problems and thoughts or if he is blowing them up in his mind. Either way, I don't know if I can handle it.
I am trying to lighten him up on the 'existential crisis' talk though. I don't know if it is working, but I am going to keep pushing forward in that area. Maybe he needs to gain perspective by looking at it on a lighter note.
The sex was actually great. There was a lot of it. I can hardly keep up.
I am also slightly worried about my period this month. If anything goes wrong (allah korusun), I will be in, what they call, a pickle. I need to start having protected sex. Maybe I should go on the pill.
We were overall very boyfriend-girlfriend. Very comfortable with each other. It was much easier to talk to him this time. He seems to be very much into me.

Now, the talk we had.
I was planning to talk to him after I got back, but after my dream last night, I just couldn't wait. Also, my new moral standard is 'what would Ochoa think'. Since apparently I have no moral standards whatsoever, I think this will guide me well for now. So, I brought it up this morning.
I am confused by the whole experience.
The phrases I can remember:

"I wouldn't call this a long distance relationship, we are just friends"
"I can come to New Jersey every month"
"Now I know what not to do in a long distance relationship"
"We can always change our minds the next time we see each other (me). Or any time before that (him)".
"We will see each other when we see each other".

These are the three really distinct ones I remember. I will keep posting them as they come to me.
I opened the conversation with what I wanted, which was I don't think I can do a long distance exclusive relationship right now. He took it pretty well, and went on to say that there weren't too many options to pick from, which I disagree. I told him I liked him and I didn't want to throw things away, and asked him maybe we want to do an open relationship, to which he responded with the 'just friends'. Except for that sentence, I felt like he wanted to do something serious. So I don't know if he 'friendsed' me because he thought that was what I wanted, or because he was hurt by my suggestion to keep things non-exclusive. If the first, I would rather know how he really feels. If the second, I had enough of that shit to last me for a lifetime, thank you very much.
No more passive-aggressive bullshit allowed in my life.
Now we are making plans to see each other again. It is so weird. I don't know how I will feel about him or someone else in the next minute, so even though I really want to see him now, I am afraid of making long-term plans with him. I don't know if this feeling will go away soon. Soon, being relative to my life.