1. The vicious cycle (fucking up, avoiding confrontation, assuming I will have gone psycho bitch and overreact, get defensive, and make me incredibly mad by avoiding me and getting defensive, then calling yourself right for assuming that I would overreact. The thing I am reacting to is different in this case you idiot.)
2. Assuming I am attacking your weed habits when I ask you to spend time with me in the room, since you interpret me asking you home is a ploy to distract you from your weed. So you respond defensively and be mean about it, and come home an hour even after you say you would, then make all this talk about how I am trying to change you, when I was the one who thought that smoking would help your stomach pain and I just wanted to spend time with you while I was sick
3. Not showing that you care - not calling/texting/visiting me throughout my sickness, and put the things you want to do over the things I want to do while I am sick (I try to get in contact with you constantly and worry about you when you are sick. you don't even five a shit)
4. Being extremely condescending by treating me like I am a dog with rabies and avoiding me for as long as you can, then blame me for being mad.
5. Impossible for you to accept fault - deflecting your responsibility on other things: stomach pain, weed, forgetfullness, acid, my response, me, friends... These things might still be a factor, but they don't take away responsibility from you. Start taking responsibility for yourself, and stop putting it on other things. And you asked for my empathy, and here it is: I would not get rid of responsibility either if I were in your position
6. Acting like everything is fine when it is not fine. Everything is not fine. I will not forget about it when you hug me. I don't want you to hug me right now. Stop hugging me.
7. Lying to me: saying that you'll be back at 12.30ish and coming back an hour later, saying that you'd visit me during the day and not coming.
8. Not trying to understand where I am coming from, and trying to push me back at any point you can.*This is the shit that hurts me. Just let your pride to the side and fucking listen to me! If I am more experienced, I am more sensitized to things that I know will hurt me, and desensitized to other things that I know will hurt the relationship. Appreciate this, and try to learn from the things that I say will hurt me when they are about smaller things so they don't get bigger. Also, don't project your responsibility on this too - if I am getting mad, it is because you fucked up, not because I am over-sensitive.
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
Monday, April 21, 2014
I am done with this shit.
I am here today to make two vows.
One is the take no bullshit vow. I vow to myself that I will not make excuses for other people who claim to be my friends and still treat me like shit. I will not ignore people's rude and sexist comments about me, turn my head when they disrespect me and my body, will not laugh it off when they feel entitled to treat me in a certain way because they think they know so much about me. A person who is a big enough asshole to feel like it is okay to kiss me on the shoulder while I am hugging my boyfriend and expects me to be okay with it because he was drunk is no longer my friend. And if I have opened up to you about being sick of this treatment and showed you my vulnerability, and you showed me your sympathy, you cannot let it feed your fantasies about me. And you cannot treat me the same shitty way everyone else does because you think it is funny, and you cannot assume that I will forgive you because you didn't mean to hurt me and because we are friends.
From now on, only people who see me not as a girl, not as a slut, not as a geek, not as a drunk, but as a person will be granted interaction. Only people who respect my boundaries and wishes will be eligible to be my friends, and only those who find it within themselves to empathize with me, and not judge me for anything I might say to them or do will I be vulnerable around.
Everyone else can go fuck themselves.
And secondly, I know that it is hard for Dom to adjust to being in a relationship, since he was never accountable to anyone in his life and now he is accountable to me, but this is pure bullshit. You might have a problem with being restrained in certain parts of your life, but honey let me tell you this. You will never find anyone who will let you do as whatever the fuck you want as me. Because I have been through a truly restrained a relationship. And I know how much it sucks. So don't come bitching at me when I ask you to be with me one night alone when I am sick, but you want to go to Quad to smoke. Because this is what you do when the person you love is sick and in pain and lonely. You go be with them for as long as you can. You don't fucking put your pot over them. This is pure bullshit. And if I want to watch Finding Nemo for a night, you suck it up and watch it for the fucking hour and a half, because I am sick, and I miss you all day, and I am in pain. It just doesn't cut it to say aawww and I am sorry whenever I am sick around you. Fuck this.
If you don't adjust to this soon, I am just saying, I will move on. I will no longer need you, or want you around me when I am sick, and then you will regret it. You will regret not coming to the room early and sitting your ass down to watch a movie with me when you no longer get to do that. And you will regret telling me that you have to wake up early so you have to go to bed early, and then tell me that you will be at Quad until past midnight. Because guess what, I am going to sleep early tonight, and you are going to have to sleep at your precious Quad, cuddling your stupid weed.
One is the take no bullshit vow. I vow to myself that I will not make excuses for other people who claim to be my friends and still treat me like shit. I will not ignore people's rude and sexist comments about me, turn my head when they disrespect me and my body, will not laugh it off when they feel entitled to treat me in a certain way because they think they know so much about me. A person who is a big enough asshole to feel like it is okay to kiss me on the shoulder while I am hugging my boyfriend and expects me to be okay with it because he was drunk is no longer my friend. And if I have opened up to you about being sick of this treatment and showed you my vulnerability, and you showed me your sympathy, you cannot let it feed your fantasies about me. And you cannot treat me the same shitty way everyone else does because you think it is funny, and you cannot assume that I will forgive you because you didn't mean to hurt me and because we are friends.
From now on, only people who see me not as a girl, not as a slut, not as a geek, not as a drunk, but as a person will be granted interaction. Only people who respect my boundaries and wishes will be eligible to be my friends, and only those who find it within themselves to empathize with me, and not judge me for anything I might say to them or do will I be vulnerable around.
Everyone else can go fuck themselves.
And secondly, I know that it is hard for Dom to adjust to being in a relationship, since he was never accountable to anyone in his life and now he is accountable to me, but this is pure bullshit. You might have a problem with being restrained in certain parts of your life, but honey let me tell you this. You will never find anyone who will let you do as whatever the fuck you want as me. Because I have been through a truly restrained a relationship. And I know how much it sucks. So don't come bitching at me when I ask you to be with me one night alone when I am sick, but you want to go to Quad to smoke. Because this is what you do when the person you love is sick and in pain and lonely. You go be with them for as long as you can. You don't fucking put your pot over them. This is pure bullshit. And if I want to watch Finding Nemo for a night, you suck it up and watch it for the fucking hour and a half, because I am sick, and I miss you all day, and I am in pain. It just doesn't cut it to say aawww and I am sorry whenever I am sick around you. Fuck this.
If you don't adjust to this soon, I am just saying, I will move on. I will no longer need you, or want you around me when I am sick, and then you will regret it. You will regret not coming to the room early and sitting your ass down to watch a movie with me when you no longer get to do that. And you will regret telling me that you have to wake up early so you have to go to bed early, and then tell me that you will be at Quad until past midnight. Because guess what, I am going to sleep early tonight, and you are going to have to sleep at your precious Quad, cuddling your stupid weed.
Saturday, April 19, 2014
things that should be allowed to be used in essays:
LOL - by SO
- i shit you not
- you feel me
- no but get this
- i’m just sayin
- let me explain you a thing
- and yeah
Thursday, March 20, 2014
Le New Relationship [or, bipolar relationships vol. 2]
Things have settled down, one might say. I went through a roller-coaster of emotions in the past month. It was rough. But it had a happy ending.
It first started when I started liking him like crazy (refer ro the last post). I knew he was a mess when it came to personal relationships, but so was I. So I was super ready to take my chances.
Here is a note I wrote at the back of my econ notebook:
"
Drop the act.
I hope this doesn't fade or blow up in my face. I really do like him. I can't even say it to anybody [which I didn't, until I told Luba] though! It's funny. It's all I can think about, but also the only thing I can't tell anybody.
[some stuff about Peleke]
I don't even want to kiss him randomly [which would have totally freaked him out, thank god I didn't try]. I want it to be special and meaningful and two-sided.
I actually want to date him I think. Although I don't know what we would talk about when alone. I don't even know if he sees me as anything more than a pretty face.
"
Things went like a tug of war game for a while. I would stare at him the entire time, wait for him to come around. Sometimes he would look back or do something that gives me hope (like put his head on my shoulder or hold my hand or hug me tightly) and sometimes he would completely avoid me. A completely neurotic time for me.
For instance, initiations.
We were all in the Moosehead room, intoxicated. Sitting on the comfortable couch. I didn't even look proper. He was lying on the couch next to me, he looked up at me, pulled himself up and put his head on my lap. I then started playing with his hair (cautiously, don't want to cross his boundaries). He then took both of my hands with his adorable "my hands are cold" phrase. We continued to hold hands for some time. I was deliriously happy. Then, out of nowhere, he gets up and sits on the other couch, and refuses to sit next to me for the entirety of the night. I go on to be like, what the actual fuck.
My obsession grew, and blew up one Tuesday night after he started work. I had been looking forward to visiting him at work and bringing him dinner the entire time. So I went to quad, prepared him dinner, and with Matt and Jess, went to Lewis to see him. I was excited and all dressed up, but when I got there it was complete shutdown. He did not look at me. He did not talk to me. Made me feel absolutely awkward for bringing my own food as well. Brought us upstairs, showed us all of Elise's work in an admiring fashion, asked Jess to smoke with him, and disappeared. I was utterly shocked and depressed. Walked back to Quad with Matt and spent the entirety of the night in literal tearful sadness.
I decided to ignore him from then on. I have had sufficient experience with platonic loves, and I could not handle another one.
But here comes the next day, when he seems closer to me somehow. I get out of class, go to cafe night, and come back pretty late. He has been smoking. I am sitting on the couch with Anna, with my laptop on my lap. He comes and sits next to me, puts his head on my shoulder, puts the blanket over us. It seems like for the first time he is not pulling back, and I am not timid. So he holds one, then both of my hands. Then puts his head on my lap, I am playing with his hair. Then we start hugging. Then a literal 'one thing led to another'. I find us cuddling on the couch kissing.
This, to be certain, was one of the happiest nights of my life. I did not know what to do with myself. What is even funnier is that I was all disgusting and had been wearing the same clothes for the past 2 days. But did not give a single shit. We were smiling and cuddling and kissing and talking, I felt safe and happy.
The next morning, things are a little awkward. He thanks me for the night, and says it will be a great memory for him. Depression comes back. I write on twitter: "Statistical significance = 0".
Nothing major happens until 2 days later, when we cuddle in the TV room for the entire morning. Once I felt comfortable kissing him, all was good. We were holding hands in front of everyone by that evening, went home together that night, and we were going out the next day.
Once he was comfortable, he became pretty forward. He wanted his first time to be with me, he said [more on that later]. He said "Is it okay if I say the 'L' word" the next day. All was happy and pink and rosy and all other pretty things.
This brings me to now: Somehow I find myself in yet another bipolar relationship. The bipolarity stems from which one of us, I am not sure. Is it him pulling back because 'that is what he is like', or from me, or the pill, I don't know. But last night, I tried to bring it up, and all hell broke loose.
He kept explaining to me how I felt. He kept blaming me. He looked bored and frustrated. He was pushing me, and my problem away. Condescending, patronizing, incriminating, pushing away. I felt so shitty I cannot say. I cried for many minutes..
Everyone comes with their own baggage, and I am not sure if I can handle another person with an angry argumentative persona who cannot change. I have had that. It was exhausting, and I left it behind.
He cannot hurt me every time I bring up a problem with him.
I felt distant from him, and I see now that that is hard to hear. But I can't just keep kissing him and pretend that everything is okay when I don't feel connected to him.
I don't really know how to fix it, or how he fill fix it, or how we will fix it. Brrrrhhh :(
It first started when I started liking him like crazy (refer ro the last post). I knew he was a mess when it came to personal relationships, but so was I. So I was super ready to take my chances.
Here is a note I wrote at the back of my econ notebook:
"
Drop the act.
I hope this doesn't fade or blow up in my face. I really do like him. I can't even say it to anybody [which I didn't, until I told Luba] though! It's funny. It's all I can think about, but also the only thing I can't tell anybody.
[some stuff about Peleke]
I don't even want to kiss him randomly [which would have totally freaked him out, thank god I didn't try]. I want it to be special and meaningful and two-sided.
I actually want to date him I think. Although I don't know what we would talk about when alone. I don't even know if he sees me as anything more than a pretty face.
"
Things went like a tug of war game for a while. I would stare at him the entire time, wait for him to come around. Sometimes he would look back or do something that gives me hope (like put his head on my shoulder or hold my hand or hug me tightly) and sometimes he would completely avoid me. A completely neurotic time for me.
For instance, initiations.
We were all in the Moosehead room, intoxicated. Sitting on the comfortable couch. I didn't even look proper. He was lying on the couch next to me, he looked up at me, pulled himself up and put his head on my lap. I then started playing with his hair (cautiously, don't want to cross his boundaries). He then took both of my hands with his adorable "my hands are cold" phrase. We continued to hold hands for some time. I was deliriously happy. Then, out of nowhere, he gets up and sits on the other couch, and refuses to sit next to me for the entirety of the night. I go on to be like, what the actual fuck.
My obsession grew, and blew up one Tuesday night after he started work. I had been looking forward to visiting him at work and bringing him dinner the entire time. So I went to quad, prepared him dinner, and with Matt and Jess, went to Lewis to see him. I was excited and all dressed up, but when I got there it was complete shutdown. He did not look at me. He did not talk to me. Made me feel absolutely awkward for bringing my own food as well. Brought us upstairs, showed us all of Elise's work in an admiring fashion, asked Jess to smoke with him, and disappeared. I was utterly shocked and depressed. Walked back to Quad with Matt and spent the entirety of the night in literal tearful sadness.
I decided to ignore him from then on. I have had sufficient experience with platonic loves, and I could not handle another one.
But here comes the next day, when he seems closer to me somehow. I get out of class, go to cafe night, and come back pretty late. He has been smoking. I am sitting on the couch with Anna, with my laptop on my lap. He comes and sits next to me, puts his head on my shoulder, puts the blanket over us. It seems like for the first time he is not pulling back, and I am not timid. So he holds one, then both of my hands. Then puts his head on my lap, I am playing with his hair. Then we start hugging. Then a literal 'one thing led to another'. I find us cuddling on the couch kissing.
This, to be certain, was one of the happiest nights of my life. I did not know what to do with myself. What is even funnier is that I was all disgusting and had been wearing the same clothes for the past 2 days. But did not give a single shit. We were smiling and cuddling and kissing and talking, I felt safe and happy.
The next morning, things are a little awkward. He thanks me for the night, and says it will be a great memory for him. Depression comes back. I write on twitter: "Statistical significance = 0".
Nothing major happens until 2 days later, when we cuddle in the TV room for the entire morning. Once I felt comfortable kissing him, all was good. We were holding hands in front of everyone by that evening, went home together that night, and we were going out the next day.
Once he was comfortable, he became pretty forward. He wanted his first time to be with me, he said [more on that later]. He said "Is it okay if I say the 'L' word" the next day. All was happy and pink and rosy and all other pretty things.
This brings me to now: Somehow I find myself in yet another bipolar relationship. The bipolarity stems from which one of us, I am not sure. Is it him pulling back because 'that is what he is like', or from me, or the pill, I don't know. But last night, I tried to bring it up, and all hell broke loose.
He kept explaining to me how I felt. He kept blaming me. He looked bored and frustrated. He was pushing me, and my problem away. Condescending, patronizing, incriminating, pushing away. I felt so shitty I cannot say. I cried for many minutes..
Everyone comes with their own baggage, and I am not sure if I can handle another person with an angry argumentative persona who cannot change. I have had that. It was exhausting, and I left it behind.
He cannot hurt me every time I bring up a problem with him.
I felt distant from him, and I see now that that is hard to hear. But I can't just keep kissing him and pretend that everything is okay when I don't feel connected to him.
I don't really know how to fix it, or how he fill fix it, or how we will fix it. Brrrrhhh :(
Monday, February 10, 2014
This is for you.
You know how sometimes you have one of those nights that you remember forever? And you get a warm, fuzzy feeling like everything was perfect and it just feels right? I had one of those nights last night. It cleared my mind of so many things and created so many new complications.
All I know is, despite the shitty and terrible things I have felt since yesterday, I am happy. Because I just didn't want to take that jacket off today. Because it felt like him around me the entire day.
Also maybe because for the first time I really am not sure if I am the caliber of a girl that he would genuinely like. I know he thinks I am attractive and kind of badass, but I actually want him to be intellectually interested in me. I want to be a girl who fascinates and excites him. This is why it is so hard being myself around him.
Also, I am very weary of all the treatment and the judgment I've been getting recently, so I am trying to keep things subtle. I can't imagine a worse thing than if this blows up in my face.
[even though I know he wouldn't let anyone say anything bad about me behind my back. But my god, all the gossip that would go on in Quad]
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
Disillusionment
So I know I should have gone to bed like 3 hours ago, but I've gotta write this down.
I don't know why, but I seem to be getting disillusioned with all the guys that have been entering my life recently. And by this, I mean pretty fast.
They seem really exciting at first, and I am willing to risk everything for them with my new -I don't give a shit I want to experience everything- self. But as we saw with the most recent incidents with Z, they can't really keep my interest for very long.
They are just too persistent, I get annoyed by them trying to get closer to me -both physically and emotionally-.
Ugh when he called me 'my baby', I swear the hair at the back of my neck just stood up. It was kind of horrifying. And with the whole snapchat bullshit, I just want to tell him to fuck off.
And then there is B bootycalling me at some weird hour in a random night, right after Swebb told him they can't hook up anymore. Like, fuck that. I don't even get offended or hurt that he is trying to substitute me for her again, I just get really fucking annoyed. By how insensitive they can be, and how childish and low.
I honestly can't want more to get the hell away from all of them, the whole alphabet of them.
I am just glad I came to this realization with Z before I fucked everything up.
On a different note, the sophomores are arriving, and they seem to be relatively interesting. Maybe they can stir things up.
Mitch, for instance, seems to be awesome. I can't wait to get to know him more. I can't really see him in that light right now though, seems to be more of a younger brother type guy. Well, even if he did get my attention in that way, I doubt he could keep it for very long, given the recent record.
Tugce thinks this is because I didn't give myself a chance to be away from guys for a while after Alber. She says I threw myself at them because they were new and I was excited about all the new experiences I could have. And then I came to the realization that they were mostly shit, and now I am overly disillusioned and let down. I don't know, maybe she's right.
I am just sick of being pulled in all directions when I think of the guys in my life right now. It is tiring, and it is nauseating me a little to be honest.
I don't know why, but I seem to be getting disillusioned with all the guys that have been entering my life recently. And by this, I mean pretty fast.
They seem really exciting at first, and I am willing to risk everything for them with my new -I don't give a shit I want to experience everything- self. But as we saw with the most recent incidents with Z, they can't really keep my interest for very long.
They are just too persistent, I get annoyed by them trying to get closer to me -both physically and emotionally-.
Ugh when he called me 'my baby', I swear the hair at the back of my neck just stood up. It was kind of horrifying. And with the whole snapchat bullshit, I just want to tell him to fuck off.
And then there is B bootycalling me at some weird hour in a random night, right after Swebb told him they can't hook up anymore. Like, fuck that. I don't even get offended or hurt that he is trying to substitute me for her again, I just get really fucking annoyed. By how insensitive they can be, and how childish and low.
I honestly can't want more to get the hell away from all of them, the whole alphabet of them.
I am just glad I came to this realization with Z before I fucked everything up.
On a different note, the sophomores are arriving, and they seem to be relatively interesting. Maybe they can stir things up.
Mitch, for instance, seems to be awesome. I can't wait to get to know him more. I can't really see him in that light right now though, seems to be more of a younger brother type guy. Well, even if he did get my attention in that way, I doubt he could keep it for very long, given the recent record.
Tugce thinks this is because I didn't give myself a chance to be away from guys for a while after Alber. She says I threw myself at them because they were new and I was excited about all the new experiences I could have. And then I came to the realization that they were mostly shit, and now I am overly disillusioned and let down. I don't know, maybe she's right.
I am just sick of being pulled in all directions when I think of the guys in my life right now. It is tiring, and it is nauseating me a little to be honest.
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
A Positive Light
I just realized something. This partially comes from my conversation with Ochoa.
She explained my problem with A as, if you like and want to be with someone, you shouldn't see not being able to hook up with someone as a burden. You should not want to hook up with other people if you are excited about the person you're dating.
So this just came back to me as a sort of epiphany. The person I really feel like that right now is Z. So even though he is awful for my life and my future and my relationships, he is good for me right now.
Since, one thing that I really don't want to do right now in Princeton is hook up with random people. And thinking about him, wanting to be with him and just generally liking him is keeping me away from that.
So should I tell him that? I don't really know. I don't want to put him in a position of power. That is the last thing I want to do. But I kinda want him to know how I feel about him right now. I don't want him to assume things, because he might overestimate how I feel about him (which I believe he tends to do). He thinks himself way too hot for his good.
This may just be me justifying talking to him to myself, but I want to see things in a positive light for once.
She explained my problem with A as, if you like and want to be with someone, you shouldn't see not being able to hook up with someone as a burden. You should not want to hook up with other people if you are excited about the person you're dating.
So this just came back to me as a sort of epiphany. The person I really feel like that right now is Z. So even though he is awful for my life and my future and my relationships, he is good for me right now.
Since, one thing that I really don't want to do right now in Princeton is hook up with random people. And thinking about him, wanting to be with him and just generally liking him is keeping me away from that.
So should I tell him that? I don't really know. I don't want to put him in a position of power. That is the last thing I want to do. But I kinda want him to know how I feel about him right now. I don't want him to assume things, because he might overestimate how I feel about him (which I believe he tends to do). He thinks himself way too hot for his good.
This may just be me justifying talking to him to myself, but I want to see things in a positive light for once.
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