Things have settled down, one might say. I went through a roller-coaster of emotions in the past month. It was rough. But it had a happy ending.
It first started when I started liking him like crazy (refer ro the last post). I knew he was a mess when it came to personal relationships, but so was I. So I was super ready to take my chances.
Here is a note I wrote at the back of my econ notebook:
"
Drop the act.
I hope this doesn't fade or blow up in my face. I really do like him. I can't even say it to anybody [which I didn't, until I told Luba] though! It's funny. It's all I can think about, but also the only thing I can't tell anybody.
[some stuff about Peleke]
I don't even want to kiss him randomly [which would have totally freaked him out, thank god I didn't try]. I want it to be special and meaningful and two-sided.
I actually want to date him I think. Although I don't know what we would talk about when alone. I don't even know if he sees me as anything more than a pretty face.
"
Things went like a tug of war game for a while. I would stare at him the entire time, wait for him to come around. Sometimes he would look back or do something that gives me hope (like put his head on my shoulder or hold my hand or hug me tightly) and sometimes he would completely avoid me. A completely neurotic time for me.
For instance, initiations.
We were all in the Moosehead room, intoxicated. Sitting on the comfortable couch. I didn't even look proper. He was lying on the couch next to me, he looked up at me, pulled himself up and put his head on my lap. I then started playing with his hair (cautiously, don't want to cross his boundaries). He then took both of my hands with his adorable "my hands are cold" phrase. We continued to hold hands for some time. I was deliriously happy. Then, out of nowhere, he gets up and sits on the other couch, and refuses to sit next to me for the entirety of the night. I go on to be like, what the actual fuck.
My obsession grew, and blew up one Tuesday night after he started work. I had been looking forward to visiting him at work and bringing him dinner the entire time. So I went to quad, prepared him dinner, and with Matt and Jess, went to Lewis to see him. I was excited and all dressed up, but when I got there it was complete shutdown. He did not look at me. He did not talk to me. Made me feel absolutely awkward for bringing my own food as well. Brought us upstairs, showed us all of Elise's work in an admiring fashion, asked Jess to smoke with him, and disappeared. I was utterly shocked and depressed. Walked back to Quad with Matt and spent the entirety of the night in literal tearful sadness.
I decided to ignore him from then on. I have had sufficient experience with platonic loves, and I could not handle another one.
But here comes the next day, when he seems closer to me somehow. I get out of class, go to cafe night, and come back pretty late. He has been smoking. I am sitting on the couch with Anna, with my laptop on my lap. He comes and sits next to me, puts his head on my shoulder, puts the blanket over us. It seems like for the first time he is not pulling back, and I am not timid. So he holds one, then both of my hands. Then puts his head on my lap, I am playing with his hair. Then we start hugging. Then a literal 'one thing led to another'. I find us cuddling on the couch kissing.
This, to be certain, was one of the happiest nights of my life. I did not know what to do with myself. What is even funnier is that I was all disgusting and had been wearing the same clothes for the past 2 days. But did not give a single shit. We were smiling and cuddling and kissing and talking, I felt safe and happy.
The next morning, things are a little awkward. He thanks me for the night, and says it will be a great memory for him. Depression comes back. I write on twitter: "Statistical significance = 0".
Nothing major happens until 2 days later, when we cuddle in the TV room for the entire morning. Once I felt comfortable kissing him, all was good. We were holding hands in front of everyone by that evening, went home together that night, and we were going out the next day.
Once he was comfortable, he became pretty forward. He wanted his first time to be with me, he said [more on that later]. He said "Is it okay if I say the 'L' word" the next day. All was happy and pink and rosy and all other pretty things.
This brings me to now: Somehow I find myself in yet another bipolar relationship. The bipolarity stems from which one of us, I am not sure. Is it him pulling back because 'that is what he is like', or from me, or the pill, I don't know. But last night, I tried to bring it up, and all hell broke loose.
He kept explaining to me how I felt. He kept blaming me. He looked bored and frustrated. He was pushing me, and my problem away. Condescending, patronizing, incriminating, pushing away. I felt so shitty I cannot say. I cried for many minutes..
Everyone comes with their own baggage, and I am not sure if I can handle another person with an angry argumentative persona who cannot change. I have had that. It was exhausting, and I left it behind.
He cannot hurt me every time I bring up a problem with him.
I felt distant from him, and I see now that that is hard to hear. But I can't just keep kissing him and pretend that everything is okay when I don't feel connected to him.
I don't really know how to fix it, or how he fill fix it, or how we will fix it. Brrrrhhh :(
