A Positive Light

I just realized something. This partially comes from my conversation with Ochoa.
She explained my problem with A as, if you like and want to be with someone, you shouldn't see not being able to hook up with someone as a burden. You should not want to hook up with other people if you are excited about the person you're dating.
So this just came back to me as a sort of epiphany. The person I really feel like that right now is Z. So even though he is awful for my life and my future and my relationships, he is good for me right now.
Since, one thing that I really don't want to do right now in Princeton is hook up with random people. And thinking about him, wanting to be with him and just generally liking him is keeping me away from that.
So should I tell him that? I don't really know. I don't want to put him in a position of power. That is the last thing I want to do. But I kinda want him to know how I feel about him right now. I don't want him to assume things, because he might overestimate how I feel about him (which I believe he tends to do). He thinks himself way too hot for his good.
This may just be me justifying talking to him to myself, but I want to see things in a positive light for once.

Cynicism

I am reading the blogs of these two idiot girls and I am nauseated  Oh so much victimization around here! Oh my god, can one girl not leave a relationship making herself feel strong by congratulating herself that she trusted the guy and that she loved?
Ugh, I am having a serious surge of cynicism. Get a little tough for gods sake. All the "he's not worth it"s and the "I am not stupid"s and the "I am beautiful and awesome because I loved" bullshit is emasculating for women across the world. Literally, all 3.5 billion of them. So just stop it.
I don't know, take responsibility, care less, generally don't put all of your pretty little eggs in one asshole's basket.
Because here's what luce, he actually is blaming God for breaking up with you and it's absolute bullshit. He simply is interested in other girls. But to be clear, he is not too interested in any one particular girl either. He just likes talking about sex and shit he hasn't experienced yet and generally act like a boy in puberty. He is extremely immature and childish, and it's your fault for not realizing that, and falling for his charming face. So such it up, and be glad that he's out of your life.
And please, I am begging you, don't do one of those -look at how moved on I am I am dressing up and wearing my new booties because I am a strong woman- act, it's sad.

Jeez

When this guy talks I swear it is hard to be convinced that he's a real person.
Cannot talk more like an awkward 10 year old boy who's trying to be cool.
Just shut up, cut your hair and awkward beard, and look pretty damn it!

Incognito

Seni görünce
Aynı anda geçer aklımızdan
Aynı düşünce..
Bir duvar gibi aramızdan.

Mösyö Asaf

Şiir Interpretation

Bu karanlık böyle iyi afferin Tanrıya
Herkes uyusun iyi oluyor hoşlanıyorum
Hırsızlar polisler açlar toklar uyusun
Herkes uyusun bir seni uyutmam bir de ben uyumam
Herkes yokken biz oluruz biz uyumayalım
Nasıl olsa sarhoşuz nasıl olsa öpüşürüz sokaklarda
Beni bırak göğe bakalım

Seni aldım bu sunturlu yere getirdim
Sayısız penceren vardı bir bir kapattım
Bana dönesin diye bir bir kapattım
Şimdi otobüs gelir biner gideriz
Dönmeyeceğimiz bir yer beğen başka türlüsü güç
Bir ellerin bir ellerim yeter belliyelim yetsin

Seni aldım bana ayırdım durma kendini hatırlat
Durma kendini hatırlat
Durma göğe bakalım

Turgut Uyar

New Territory

Ona anlatamadigim, sana anlatamadigim, bana anlatamadigim bir duygu mumkun mudur?
Sorularin cevaplari hep hayirsa neden sonuclar hep evet?
Son dakikaya kadar kendime yapmam gerekeni yaptiramiyorum.
Kaybettigimi de kaybettikten sonra mi anliycak bu inatci benligim?

Zaten kırılmış bir kızsın şimdi dövülmüş bir av
Yanmış ırmaklar öneriyorsun toy bedenine
Kavmin yanlış tufanlardan geçip duruyor
Gözlerime baka baka ağlayıp aşk diyorsun

Ah Muhsin Ünlü

Most common disturbing thought in my mind since Alber:
I didn't realize things were that bad until things were that bad.
Until I am knee deep in shit.
Its like I am missing the checkpoints and I am blind until I reach the destination and there is no going back.

Now I want nothing more than to get the hell out of this country. And for time to fly by.

I feel, right now, like I have no friends in the world.
No one I'm excited to talk to, no one to calm me down, no one I want to explain anything to.